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[05 Nov 2009|03:14am] |
sometimes my heart aches.
just wondering if i'm supposed to be with you.
wondering if you're supposed to be with her.
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[01 Jul 2009|05:27am] |
it hurts
it hurts
it hurts
it hurts
it hurts
it hurts
it hurts
it hurts
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[23 Jan 2009|03:53pm] |
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Dear Mary Anne,
I don't even know you but i hate you. i hate the fact that you have history with my boyfriend. i hate the fact that he loved you as much as he did. i hate the fact that he still loves you on some weird level. and i hate the fact that you guys still have some kind of connection after all these years. i hate the fact that you're married and have a baby. i hate the fact that you still talk to nick... a lot. i hate the fact that he talked to you that day and not me. i hate the fact that it makes me feel hopeless when i know he's been talking to you. and i hate the fact that he doesn't tell me when he talks to you. i hate the fact that that makes me feel like you're still part of what he wants. i hate the fact that everyday for the rest of my life i'm going to wonder if he really wants to be with you but i'm just the next best thing. i hate you. you had the chance to be with nick and he had the chance to be with you... you're not together so why keep the wound open by talking so often unless you both wish it were different. if you have to talk to each other... if you need each other in your lives then leave your fucking husband and go be with nick. you've already done it once... it's not impossible. but, if you aren't going to do that... then why can't you just leave him alone because if you don't i'm never going to have the chance to get what you guys had. and that's not fair. IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR. SO GO AWAY. BECAUSE I HAAAAAAAAAAAATE YOU.
Dear Nick,
grow the fuck up. normal people DON'T talk to their ex's that often. normal people DON'T wish that an alternate universe them could end up with their ex. NO. normal people... normal people want to be with the person they're in love with. and that's it. NORMAL PEOPLE would just not text/ message her back if you really aren't trying to talk to her anymore?? normal people would just stop talking. you are obviously STILL not completely over the mind fuck that was your relationship with mary anne. so, get on it. because i don't wanna go to new york with you and wonder everyday if you're talking to her or if you're thinking about her or if you wish I WAS her. i'm not. i'm probably a lot cooler, honestly. but, i'm just fucking sick of feeling like i'm not as good as it gets for you. and if i'm not... that's fine. but stop pretending it's nothing because it's SOMETHING. and it's something that's driving me crazy and making me cry a lot.
o and speaking of new york. i'm scared. i'm scared that we're gonna self destruct. i'm scared of living with a boy. and i'm scared of living in a crazy huge city. and i'm scared i'm going to hate it. i'm scared of feeling alone and not having friends. i'm scared of telling my parents and leaving them. my family is my life. and i don't wanna be so far from them in a city i never had the desire to live in in the first place. i'm scared that i won't get a job. or i'll never be able to go back to school. i'm scared to go places by myself. i'm scared that we're going to turn against each other. i'm scared you won't love me anymore. i'm scared that we'll hate each other. i hate the cold weather. i hate feeling uprooted and like i don't know anyone. i hate feeling like i don't have enough time to get ready before we go. but i'm scared to not go.
things i'll never say.
today sucks.
::scream::
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[05 Jan 2009|02:22pm] |
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i'm floating.
it's an amazing feeling.
i'm lighter than air.
and i'm not coming down.
i think i'll float all the way to new york city.
i'm so in love with this man.
he's my best friend and everything i could ask for in a boyfriend.
i think it's an odd feeling, being in a relationship with someone and not having any complaints.
it's not a big secret that i've had many dramatic relationships in the past, and i guess i'm just not used to having a good one.
i guess i've never had a good relationship,
like one that really works.
i can't keep from gushing about him at every opportunity.
which is something most of my friends are quickly getting tired of.
but, it's just never been like this.
i'm very happy.
and i'm very blessed.
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| "so, come on get higher, loosen my lips, faith and desire and the swing of your hips, |
[08 Aug 2008|04:56am] |
just pull me down hard and drown me in love"
you know, i haven't written a real journal entry in who knows how long. and i'm drunk now which could explain why it's happening now. so, my life is shitty. a lot. and i don't know why. it's like, for a second i'm happy but i am forever doomed and plagued with terrible lulls of just melancholy.
and i don't know what to do, it's like even when i should be happy i find reasons or ways to make myself unhappy... or maybe that's just the way it seems and things have just been shitty for a while so i don't remember what it's like to actually enjoy life for an extended period of time.
i need to think about this before i write anymore...
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